I wrote the following nearly one year ago to the date, about my feelings for the Philadelphia Phillies. It can be found in its original form here.

Click to laugh

With baseball season fully underway, I think it’s time that I clear something up. I hate the Philadelphia Phillies.

Before I begin, let me say that this is an opinion piece, not a research paper, and I plan on using biases and broad generalizations.

First and foremost, I hate Phillies fans (except for you, Mom). Growing up in a suburb of Philadelphia, I had to deal with these clueless, arrogant fans for as long as I can remember. The average Phillies fan is out of their mind.

Phillies fans (or is it phans?), for some reason, are under the impression that their team is actually good. They are so modest as to call their team a “dynasty”.  At home, I hear the most absurd debates on the radio. How many perfect games will the Four Aces throw? Will the Phillies lose a game in the playoffs? How many championships will this team win over the next few years? These are not normal fans. Phillies fans are crazy. Yes, they won the National League East four years in a row. But a dynasty? A dynasty usually hints at multiple (so more than one) championships.

[Everything isn’t always perfect for Phillies fans though. I have literally heard people complain that because their team is so good it’s hard to get tickets to games.]

What’s worse than Phillies fans? When there’s 40,000 of them in one place. I once sat quietly at a game, wearing a Reds hat, and was heckled for nine innings straight. It didn’t matter that it was the beginning of the season when nothing really mattered yet or I was a fan of a team in another division. I was mocked and had things thrown at me for basically no reason.

I hate Phillies fans’ obsession with pitching nicknames. We’ve got H20, R2C2, Four Aces, The Fantastic Four, The New Four Horsemen, HaLOH and Un-Phour-Gettables to name a few. Not only are these nicknames annoying and stupid, but they just seem so forced.

I hate the Phillie Phanatic. While the Phanatic is one of the most recognized mascots in all of sports, he’s also one of the most sued. If you’ve ever been to a Phillies game, you’ll notice that the Phanatic is actually a total jerk. Not only has the Phanatic embarrassed and mocked fans at games, but he has also injured them.

Phillies fans think that they’re still a homegrown, small market team. The fact of the matter is that the Phillies’ homegrown player percentage is below the league average and their payroll is the second highest in the league ($172.9 million). They speak about Cliff Lee as if he’s some loyal, once-a-Phillie-always-a-Phillie kind of guy. And what a great guy he is, turning down the Yankees to come back to the Phillies. The funny thing about that is that he’s earning more per year with the Phillies ($24 million) than he would have with the Yankees ($21.1 million). Like Cliff, I would have “never wanted to leave” either.

Aside from the occasional steal by The Flyin’ Hawaiian Shane Victorino, the Phillies refuse to play small ball. The Phillies have good pitching and are very inconsistent hitting the ball so a more methodical approach to scoring runs would make sense. Their strategy, however, seems to be geared towards swinging away and every player trying to be a hero.

But when a player isn’t producing, they’re under the bus. Nearly every player who has had some sort of cold streak is criticized and hated by fans. Worst of all, fans act like the player has never produced, has a bad attitude and should be traded or released.

Finally Phinally, I hate that Phillies fans know nothing about their team’s history. They give off the sense that the team has “always been good”. Here’s an interesting fact. The Phillies are the most losing team ever. The most losing team in baseball, football, basketball, hockey, soccer and the like. The Philadelphia Phillies have more losses than any other team that has ever existed in any sport in the history of time. And in case you were wondering, they’re not even the oldest team. With a whopping 10,233 losses before this season began, the Phillies have over 200 more losses than any other team. But the Phillies aren’t far off from .500. Granted, they would need to win every game for the next 6 1/3 seasons, including playoffs, but still, not far off. I guess anything is possible with Fat Joe and the Terror Squad toeing the rubber though.